Readers advisory for the difficult

Today a guy in a gas station attendant's uniform wanted me to help him find a book he read and really enjoyed 15 years ago from another library. He could not remember the title or author, but that the book was about "a wealthy man who has a mistress and wants to get rid of his wife. She has this huge garden and puts a lion in it. When she finds out of his plans to murder her she decides not to feed the lion for a few days and the lion eats the husband while the wife has a tea party. How long do you think it will take you to find it? Should I wait here or come back in a few minutes?"

I took his information down and told him he could go home as I would contact him when I found it, but after an hour searching a couple databases and posting the plot description to some book websites I still have nothing.

Later, I watched as a shrunken elderly man took about 10 years to approach the reference desk. He pulled out the chair and eased down, never a sign that it will be a quick transaction.

Old Man River: I’m looking for a book on Hilary Clinton.
Me: Do you know the title?
OMR: Hilary Clinton, she wrote it.
Me: I believe she's written a few, do you know which one you're interested in?
OMR: It's the one Hilary Clinton wrote.
Me: (I imagine I have one of those cartoon scribble clouds appearing above my head) Let me take a look in the catalog.
OMR: It is copyright 2003, I think.
Me: Is it Living History?
OMR: Hilary Clinton. I want the one by Hilary Clinton.
Me: Yes, this is by Hilary Clinton. If this is the title you're looking for we have a copy, but it's at another library.
OMR: Only one copy?
Me: Only one checked in, but it’s at another library.
OMR: Not here?
Me: No, not here.
OMR: Hilary Clinton?
Me: If it's Living History you want it's not here, but I can request it for you to be sent here.
OMR: What about Bill Clinton?
Me: (does a search) We have two of his titles but neither is currently checked in.
OMR: No Bill Clinton?
Me: Not right now, but I can put it on hold, would you like me to put it on hold?
OMR: No Hilary Clinton?
Me: Not checked in at his library, no.
OMR: Do you have George Bush?

It's okay to be quirky, self-obsessed and a loser, just as long as you're wearing great vintage clothing

I was sent this article on Counterpunch by a friend for shiz and giggles and as I was reading it in all it's snarky glory, I found myself both laughing and furrowing my eyebrows. Have I danced dangerously close to the edge of becoming a dreaded stereotype -- HIPSTER LIBRARIAN?!

"I liked _____ way before they were popular." Hipster, please!
(images from yourscenesucks.com)

Ok, I can at least swear that I'm not as bad as the above, but still "Bettie Page bangs and winsome skirts with felted bird appliqués" -- uh, yeah, that's me. The really tragic part is that I've been used to looking different from the general population for so long that I'm kinda shocked and disappointed that I've become a stereotype. And not just irritated that I've become a stereotype, but that I actually am a degree holdin' librarian, AND all those fake hipster librarians are doing it cooler than me. Where was this population when I was growing up? Why was I labeled weird for wearing handmade skirts with Salvation Army t-shirts and when exactly did big plastic framed glasses become hot?! I guess I should feel happy that at least today's nerdy teen girl can rock specs that could rival Larry King's and be worshiped for her sick gaming skills, but I'm also a wee bit jealous that this trend is 15 years too late to repair my own miserable teen experience.

While I would never label myself as a hipster librarian (especially since I find hipsters with their too tight jeans and complicated shoes annoying), I can certainly see some of my coworkers and probably some of the public I serve giving me that description and I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I don't really care what most people think of me, and as long as I'm providing good information services it doesn't matter. However, I'd not like for a potential employer to judge me by my looks and think that I may not be "serious" about my career. Likewise, I would like patrons to respect me as a librarian and not some mall girl, just because I don't want to wear my hair in a bun and don a cat hair sweater -- you know, the other librarian stereotype. Because if we don't have facial piercings and wear vintage slips as dresses then we're the equivalent of a sexually repressed Cathy strip comic.

What bothers me the most is the fake hipster librarians wanting to be librarians...simply because they look like hipster librarians? Really, I cannot think of a worse way to choose a career and the stupid thing is so many of them think we just get to read all day. The Counterpunch article has some tips on how hipsters can fake a lifetime of getting food stuck in your braces and a worthless liberal arts degree in order to avoid becoming a real librarian. My advice is that your denim mini skirt and flowing scarf tend to get in the way when you've got to clean up some barf in the children's department.

The joys of the internet

After going without internet access at home for over a month in my new apartment, today the Comcast guy finally came out to hook me up. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel happy or sad.

I've seen this video clip posted a few places, but hadn't been able to watch it at work or on my magic phone. So yeah, I'm late to the snark party, but if you haven't seen it yet enjoy:

Library of the future: If you want it, it exists!

A woman approaches the desk, dragging her son on a leash behind her.
Woman: I want the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving book for Mickey Mouse, where is it?
Me: ?!
Woman: That book, Charlie Brown Happy Thanksgiving, I want that but for Mickey Mouse. Actually, I want both, give me both.
Me: (does some typing in the catalog) We have the movie "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" but no book.
Woman: No, not the movie, the book.
Me: We don't own it.
Woman: What about the (one of our other branches) library?
Me: I'm checking for the whole system, we don't own it.
Woman: Well, what about the book version with Mickey Mouse?
Me: You mean, you would like a book about Thanksgiving with Mickey Mouse as one of the characters?
Woman: Yes! (this is said in a tone like, "duh!")
Me: We don't have many materials with Mickey Mouse as the main character and most of the ones that we do own are movies, and none of them are about Thanksgiving.
Woman: No, not the movie, the book.
Me: Yes, I understand, but there are no books, or at least the library does not own them.
Woman: Oh.
Me: Would you like me to put you on hold for the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving movie?
Woman: Yes (takes 10 minutes to locate her card)
Me: Ok, all copies are currently out but we will email you as soon as this movie checks in.
Woman: No, not movie, the book is what I want!
Me: But we don't have the book, just the movie. And nothing for Mickey Mouse, only Charlie Brown, but again only the movie.
Woman: Well take it off hold then, I said I don't want the movie!

15 minutes later, the woman returns. Now she wants to be on hold for the movie.

Reasons why I should never be left in charge

I have never wanted to be President. In elementary school, as my classmates crafted letters to The-Big-Jellybean-Eater-Himself and drew their future selves cloaked in American flags and living in the White House, I was on a different path. I never aspired to be the man, the head honcho, the big cheese, supreme dictator, etc. Sure, I wanted a title, but one of much less importance, less responsibility. When I ran for position in student government or for club chairs I aimed my sights low. Even vice president was too lofty a position, why not treasurer? When was the last time someone looked to parent council representative to make an important decision?

For my graduate school courses I elected not to take any focusing in management because, who are we kidding, I do not belong there. It's not that I don't think I'm capable of doing the job, because I often find myself in the unenviable role of leader, it's just that I'm lazy and don't want to do it. I am the real life female equivalent to Billy Madison -- my ideal life is all about Snack Pack pudding and pummelling small children with dodgeballs while blasting the Ramones.

So you can imagine that I pee a little every time I'm told that I'm the "PIC" or "person in charge" of the building for the day. Every time I'm scheduled to work on a day or night that my branch manager and supervisor are not present, I make silent deals with any religious deity that will listen that during the time I'm in charge the building should not burn down, the internets should not stop working, nor should the homeless get antsy and start throwing books. Hell, I don't even want a kid to have a temper tantrum or see some Starbucks crazed mom bitch about paying late fees. I like living in cruise control, which is why all the things that can go wrong magically happen when I'm left to steer the library boat off course. Such as having a kid throw a rock through a window. Or having an angry and out of control adolescent beating up his tutor and screaming cuss words. Oh the countless joys of filling out legal forms hours after you stopped getting paid! They say you never forget your first incident report...

Should there every be a zombie invasion I will probably be the PIC that day too.
Aw, who am I kidding? I just wanted to show off my nifty zombie librarian Halloween costume...

Virtual Reference Question of the Week

As I have mentioned before, my library system also provides a virtual reference service that our branches take turns manning, which provides email and chat assistance. Unfortunately 95% of its users are using it incorrectly as they are either asking account questions (it says in bold that account and fee questions will not be answered in the service), or questions for services that we don't provide (such as emailing them pdf's of newspaper back editions). It looks like nobody takes time to read the virtual ref FAQ, which explains what the service is for -- ready reference questions, database assistance, readers' advisory, ebook help, etc.
That's why when we get questions in our virtual reference email I just want to smack someone:

Message Subject: Help!
Hello. I need to log into my own account at aol.

I responded, I'm not sure what you mean, could you clarify? and, of course, the email address bounced.

Gems from the children's department

With some more recent staff absenses, I've found myself staffing the children's department info desk often in the last couple weeks.

A little girl approached the desk and asked if we had any books on (*deep breath*) ghosts, mysteries, but not baby mysteries, scary stories that might be true, magic, but no Harry Potter, and stories that involve vampires, but only girl vampires. She held up two books of different widths and said, "If I'm in fifth grade, how long does the book need to be?"

While I was helping one woman and her son (who was old enough to do his own report) find books for his vague American history research paper, I was irritated that the woman's other son kept jumping up and going, "Hey lady! Hey lady!"

He was maybe 5-years-old, was wearing a plaid button-down shirt, and had what looked like sticky jam and toast crumbs making a ring around his mouth. He waved his arms at me like he was trying to land an airplane, so I finally turned to him and said, "I'll be with you in just a minute," kinda giving the mom the raised eyebrow for not stepping up and telling her kid to be quiet. Then when I was finished looking up some books, the woman left with her son and I realized that jam-boy was not her other kid at all, but some random, parentless child.

He grabbed a stuffed toy dog that was sitting on the counter. The children's department staff leave lost n' found items on the desk with the theory that the original owner will see them and claim their blankie, action figure, Barbie, etc. But really what it does is make other children wild for the toy that doesn't belong to them.
"Why is this here?" Jam-boy asked, holding the stuffed dog up in the air.
"We're hoping that its owners will find it," I replied.
It looked like Jam-boy was rolling this around in his head and really thinking about it. Then he said, "Uh, I think I am going to take this."
"Don't you know you're not supposed to take other people's toys?" This came from Girl-Vampire girl, who was using the computer nearest the desk.

Defeated, Jam-boy set the stuffed dog back on the desk, but still eyeballed it. "Hey lady!" he suddenly remembered what he was there for. "Lady, can you find me books on horses, but only teeny, tiny, baby horses?" He held his hands up to show he was only interested in miniature horses no bigger than 4 inches.
"What about books on ponies?" I asked.
He thought about it, "No, just baby horses. Also books on vacuum trucks!"
"What's a vacuum truck?" I was completely baffled.
"A vacuum truck is a really, really big truck!" he informed me.

We found books on baby horses, but sadly no vacuum trucks.