It Begins...Summer Reading

Recently the Huffington Post asked readers to submit words that describe summer, which included: sleep, travel, adventure, fun, relaxation, greatness, peace, water, and books.  While others look forward to summer, those of us in the public library industry frequently feel a little bit queasy at the beginning of the season and may describe it with words like: screaming, anxiety, face-painting, live snakes, people wearing their bathing suits inside the library -- oh yeah and books.  Now is the time of year when I start to have night terrors about overflowing book drops and angry patrons when I cannot find them a copy of the latest New York Times bestseller.

Maybe it was because we were having a monsoon yesterday or were actually appropriately staffed, but it didn't seem that bad.  The children were fairly easy - looking for books on worms or the always popular Guinness Book of World Records; the teens occupied themselves with the onsite photo booth; but the adults -- that much coveted yet difficult to attain population who grimace at being asked to register themselves for the adult summer reading program...until we mention that there's a prize.  

image delightfully edited by me

"What's that?" a father with two wiggling children asks, pointing at the Parents: sign up for summer reading to win a FREE iPad mini! sign.

"You can win a iPad mini for signing up for summer reading," my coworker reads the sign to them.

"Just for signing up?!" the father asks.  I think I see bits of foam forming in the corners of his mouth.

"Well, you'll be entered in a drawing to win, if you finish your challenge card."

"Oh," the father's excitement falls as he realizes we don't have a box overflowing with iPad minis for the taking under the desk. "Ok, maybe I'lll sign up later.  I'll think about it," before he wanders away never to return.

Admittedly, only being entered to win a iPad mini is not as thrilling as getting one simply for signing your name on a scrap of colored paper, but the extremely low amount of adults who do register and manage to complete the insurmountable tasks of reading a book, attending a program, and learning to put a book on hold means that the chances of winning are pretty awesome.  I think last year my branch had less than 35 adults complete their challenge cards -- I'd take those odds but of course staff cannot enter.  We can only bribe our adult patrons with candy and free electronics while being chastised for not having unlimited copies Silver Linings Playbook on blu ray. 

Overheard @ The Info Desk: Make it work!

No, it wasn't a Tim Gunn "Make it work" moment, but rather a patron "Make it work FOR ME" situation when the phone rang this morning.

Me: Hello, X Public Library, information desk, may I help you? 

Not Tim Gunn: This CD I got from the library, I need help.

Me: What can I help you with? Is the CD not working?

NTG: (long pause, clattering sounds in the background)...No...I mean, yes...the CD won't play.  I borrowed it yesterday from your library...I want you to make it work.

Me: Ok...well, what are you trying to play it on?

NTG: ... (more clattering sounds) ...

Me: Hello? Are you still there?

NTG: Yes...sorry, I'm driving right now...I'm lost and trying to find this restaurant I'm going to meet my friend at... 

Me: Ok, well...I'm sorry you're lost, do you need directions?

NTG: (sounds like gears are grinding) No, I don't need directions, what I need is for you to make this CD work.

Me: Are you trying to play it on your car CD player?

NTG: No, my car doesn't play CDs, it's new and the stereo doesn't play CDs.  I am talking about at my house, my computer, it won't play.  I put the CD in and nothing happens, there's no sound.  I'm supposed to have it read for a class I'm taking but I don't have time, which is why I got the book on CD, but it won't work.

Me: What program are you using to play the CD on in your computer?

NTG: What do you mean? I put it in my computer and it won't play, I just need you to tell me how to make it work.

Me: I mean what program -- Windows Media Player, iTunes -- what program are you using to try to play the CD?

NTG: ...Um...I don't know...

Me: Ok, well have you tried to play it on another device aside from your computer? Do you have a regular CD player?

NTG: ...Um...uh...I'm going to have to call you back.  I'm meeting my friend right now for lunch and I don't have time to talk about this now.

This is one of my favorite phone call responses -- when I am made to feel that I have interrupted or disturbed someone when they called me.  I tell the patron to call back later when they have more time to talk and we hang up.  About two hours later she calls back, she has discovered what needed to happen to make it work: the laptop was not on.  Of course, I never came out and specifically asked her if it was on or plugged in, so it's partly my fault, but at least she now knows that in order to play a CD the device needs to be on -- instead of prying the CD tray open with her fingernails and putting the CD inside while the power's off.  It's nice when the problems are so quick and easy to fix

Fun way to kick off National Library Week! :)

Trending Topics: Don't touch that!

Aside from the bunned, bespectacled librarian, the other stereotype most closely associated with libraries is probably the library creep and, those of us in business know, that sometimes these creeps...take matters into their own hands.

Image from tumblr, source unknown

So although this isn't an uncommon occurrence, one of the top library stories this past week is the story of a man forbidden from "all libraries on the face of the Earth" after his activities at the Racine Public library.  How is that even enforceable?  An ankle monitor bracelet?

The story got some extra mileage by LJ's Annoyed Librarian entry yesterday dedicated to possible workarounds of the Earthly library ban for this man so that he can get his library fix and oddly likened public masturbation to sex in libraries (?).  What I'm curious about is when will these stories stop being newsworthy -- or maybe a better question is who are these stories newsworthy to?  As I mentioned before, library biz folk aren't really phased by these stories.  This is not to say that it's acceptable or in any way "normal," (one never forgets their first interaction with a 'bater) but the majority of people who seem to get worked up about it are the general public.  I suppose this is because they can't imagine coming into the office one day to find Jenkins openly shaking hands with the man downstairs.  I envy them in that way.

Overheard @ The Info Desk: Ummm

A woman with bright red lipstick, a very pretty shade but just slightly on her front tooth, approaches the information desk:

Lipstick Tooth: I'm looking for books...

Me: ...Yes?

Lipstick Tooth: ...books by former CIA agents.

Me: Like biographies or a tell all, something like that?

Lipstick Tooth: ...sort-of.  But they should be exciting stories -- the people don't all have to be real.

Me:  So are you looking for nonfiction or fiction? Fictional stories about CIA agents that were perhaps written by former agents?

Lipstick Tooth: No, not fiction, I want them to be real, true stories.  You know how the story is true but the writer twists it and changes somethings, adds people.

Me:  Ok, maybe they are based on real events or people but are fictionalized? Based on a true story type of thing?

Lipstick Tooth: (slightly exasperated) Yes, but the basic plot should be true -- not make-believe.  The truth but with more added to it.  You know, building on the truth...but they have to be written by former CIA agents, what happened to them on their missions.

Me: (also slightly exasperated) So...based on a true story?

Lipstick Tooth: Yes except real.  Like those Bourne Identity movies.

Me: The Bourne Identity movies are actually based off of a series of books, would you be interested in those or books like those?

Lipstick Tooth: No, because it's not real.  I said like the Bourne Identity but true and it happened to a former CIA agent.  I want that. (pauses) Nevermind, I'll just go look for myself (heads off in the direction of fiction).

A few minutes later, she stops at the desk again:

Lipstick Tooth: What about a list of CIA agents that live in this area? I could look up books by them.

Me: Uhhh, I'm pretty sure that some of that information is classified.

Lipstick Tooth: It's ok, my friend has a list, I'll get it from him (walks off).

Overheard @ The Info Desk: The Public Needs Help

A short man with shoulder length silver hair and a cowboy-styled mustache approaches the information desk:

Greystache: I can't seem to find any books about the materials needed to build a labyrinth.

Me: (tries to wipe the judgmental "uhhhh..?" off my face as I preform a search) I'm not finding anything in our collection either.  We have the movie Labyrinth, a book about Labyrinth fish, and another book titled Dating Again: A Labyrinth of Choices.

Greystache: Is the movie about building labyrinths?

Me: No, it's an 80's David Bowie movie with some muppets.

Greystache: You mean you don’t have any books on the subject?

Me: No books, would you like me to try searching our databases for--

Greystache:(interrupting and shaking his head) I’m shocked.  Frankly I’m shocked

Exit Greystache.

Sir, what you need is a time machine

A man in his late 40's to early 50's and smelling like he had rolled around in Bengay cream all morning sat down at the reference desk and asked for some assistance and of course, I was the lucky one to help him.

The man, who from here on shall be referred to as "Mr. Novelist," is in the process of writing a novel, that takes place during the depression based in "Hicktown," located in state but oh about four or five hours drive south. His problem -- he needs to do some research for his novel and by that he means he needs me to do some research for his novel for him.

Mr. Novelist confides in me that he has already used Google and Wikipedia to learn about Hicktown, but would like more information like what type of gum people in Hicktown would've chewed back then, or local slang, or the gun that would be issued to a Great Depression era cop in Hicktown (yes, it was a detective story!). I do a couple searches and reveal that we don't have any books focusing only on Hicktown, but in some of the state history books there are small sections dedicated to Hicktown. He waves this away, it is not what he wants. Next I bring back some books on fashion history and open it to the portions on 1930's fashion, but he is disappointed that it is only about ten pages of pictures and that the entire book is not on 1930's style clothing.

He points to an illustration of a 1930's era woman with a hat, "How do I know that women in Hicktown wore that type of hat?"

I respond that I, obviously, did not know but assumed that fashion trends of the 1930's were probably nationwide with some variation and the possibility that a small town like Hicktown might have possibly been a little behind but probably not by much.

Mr. Novelist lets out a sigh, "Doesn't the library have an old film strip or DVD I could watch about the 1930's in Hicktown? I'm a more visual person, I don't have time to read a lot, but I think if I could watch something then I could absorb it that way. It could be fiction or like a documentary, I don't care."

I internalize a mental sigh then try to explain that the way our cataloging system works, I could not simply search for movies that take place at that time and in that town unless they were cataloged that way and I'd already done several searches on Hicktown in our system with no results.

He shakes his head, "Do you know that movie, A Christmas Story? The one that takes place in the past and is all about that family and the boy who dresses like a giant bunny -- I want something like that, but for it to take place in Hicktown in the 1930's."

"You know," I say, "A Christmas Story is set during the Great Depression and could be a visual resource--"

Here Mr. Novelist interrupts me with the most expected response, "But it doesn't take place in Hicktown!" How stupid of me to suggest such a thing! Mr. Novelist is clearly suffering from the mental disorder of thinking that if you want it, it exists!

I decide to spend a few more minutes helping him before sending him on his way, but it is time wasted as my ideas like using writing website forums for assistance or trying Hicktown's own library(!) for information are dismissed.

"I'm really disappointed," Mr. Novelist says as he gets up to leave, "I expected the library to have what I was looking for, a simple movie -- that's all!"

Libraries, we do more than shelter the homeless...

If yesterday's dumb question was, "Is the library still open because of the earthquake?" today's would be anything related to required reading for school.

Bitchy Mom: How can the library not have any copies of Lord of the Flies? You're the library, that's what my tax money is for.

Irrationally Annoyed Teen: What am I supposed to do now? I was supposed to read The Miracle Worker by next week...do you have the movie? Why not?!

Slouchy Teen Boy: Could you write a note to my teacher that you didn't have any books but I'm on the waitlist for Their Eyes Were Watching God?

Verbal communication between two or more humans/monkeys

The phone rings, I picke up to what appears to be a conversation already in progress.

Me: Hello?
Completely Stoned Woman: Uh, hi.
Me: How can I help you?
CSW:...I want to order a book on CD.
Me: Ok, what is the title? (she gives me the title and I locate it in the catalog) It's at a different branch, but I can have it sent here. Could I get your library card number?
CSW:...?
Me: Um, hello? Ma'am?
CSW: Huh?
Me: Could I please get your library card number?
CSW: Oh, that...I don't know where that is right now.
Me: Well, I'm kinda going to need it to put it on hold for you.
CSW: Oh no, I don't know...(there is a sound of rustling, things being scattered and knocked over)...it's here somewhere, I'll find it later...before I come to the library. Can't you just look me up by my name?
*It is our library's policy not to look up borrowers account information without a card number, however there are exceptions and since I already had another person on hold I wanted to be done with this transaction. I let her give me her name and then quizzed her on her address and birthday.*
Me: Alright, I put a request in and you should get a call in a day or so when it comes in.
CSW: How?
Me:...By phone? The library will call you when it's ready to pick up.
CSW: How do you know my phone number?
Me: We have it in the computer, it's part of your account information.
CSW:Oh...it's probably my old number, I have a new cell phone now...here let me give you another number...(I start typing in the phone number she's rattling off when I realize it's way too long to be a phone number).
Me: Um, ma'am? That phone number, is it local or long distance?
CSW:...That's not my phone number!
Me: What is it then?
CSW: It's the library card number, you said you wanted it.
Me: (She had a point, but a little too late) That number doesn't sound like one of our library card numbers. All of them start off with the same six digits. What library is that a card for?
CSW:...It's a library card.
Me: What does it look like?
CSW:...it's blue (She reads off the library card and it is for a different county).
Me: Ok, that's not part of this library system for 'X County.' If you can't find your library card by the time we call you, just bring in your ID and we can get you a new one.
CSW:...A new what?
Me: A new library card? To replace the one you can't find.
CSW:...And the library is going to call me?
Me: Yes.
CSW: But why?
Me:???To inform you that the audiobook you put on hold has come in...?!
CSW: Oh, ok then. Goodbye!

And she hangs up

It makes me feel a little better when I'm at McDonald's and I realize that I'm not the only person that has to deal with the bizarre public. On the mornings I swing by to grab coffee, there's always this crazy lady with messy hair talking to herself. She never orders anything, but sits at a booth with a Stouffer's frozen turkey and mashed potatoes dinner -- it's always the same thing, and obviously not frozen anymore. She used to come by the library, but hasn't been in for a long while. When she shouts something nonsensical in my direction as I'm scooping up creamers and Splenda, I feel relieved that I'm returning to the general sanity of the library.

WeirdedIn

Life and its obligations have kept me away (not to mention my laptop is rejecting Firefox lately and explorer does not want to play nice with gmail and blogger), but I've managed to scribble down things here and there on post-its or scrap paper that I can cobble into a post later.

Today I had no such need to dig through my notes as the library gods hand-delivered some weirdness into my inbox this morning:

A couple days ago I came to work to find an address book on our main desk. At night, after we close and the janitorial staff cleans up, they will place any items they find on the desk so that in the morning we can figure out what to do with it (usually it goes in the lost and found bin or the trash). This address book was slightly beat up, the outer snap closure was missing and it was being held together by a large rubber band. There was nothing inside that had the owner’s contact information, however there were two bills folded in the front that were addressed to the same person. Assuming this to be the owner of the address book, I looked them up in our system to see if they had a card. They had a card, but no phone number listed, just home address and email. So I sent an email:

To: Patron X@someserviceprovider.com
From: librarian@suburbanlibrary.gov

Hello Patron X,
An address book that may belong to you was found at the library. If it is yours, please go to the front desk, describe it for them and they will retrieve it for you from lost and found.

Thanks,
Your Librarian.

A few hours later I got an email back:

Dear Librarian:
Thank you so much for finding my address book!!! I have been looking for it everywhere and thought it was gone! I will come by later and pick it up.

Thanks,
Patron X

I considered this to be the end of the transaction. I emptied my inbox of our correspondence, assumed they picked up their address book, and promptly forgot about the whole thing. Until today.


I was befuddled. Who?

The email address seemed strangely familiar. Could it be one of the volunteers I manage? I cut and pasted the email address into the search box function and clicked on the little spyglass.

Two emails were found, both in my trash folder – the exchange between me and the address book patron.

The hell?
Not only did I not know Patron X personally, I had never even met them, and had not been around whenever they came to get the address book. I would have no way of picking Patron X out of a police lineup.

Like the former junior high school bully sending me a friend request on Facebook, this involved the same level of confusion, but with a side order of creepy.

Summer reading, my most favorite reading time of the year...

Photo courtesy Awful Library Books
Yesterday was the official kickoff for our summer reading program and we were busier than a Columbian drug den. Here is a sampling of the questions I very helpfully redirected:

Elderly Couple: Can you tell us how to use our Nook?

Forgetful Teen Boy: I was reading this book and I didn't finish it, can you help me find it? It wasn't at this library, it was my school's library but I had to return it. I don't remember the title or the author, but it was about a boy with a dad and the cover was light green.

Older Mom Wearing Teen Daughter's Clothes: Where are your books on murder?

Middle-Aged Snooty Guy With a Purple Tie: Where might I find books on Pablo Picasso...the artist.

Teen Girl With Gum: Tell me what books my school wants me to read over the summer and then give them to me or put them on hold.

Lazy Mom: It says for the adult summer reading program I have to read 5 books and write reviews -- do they have to be adult books? Can't I just review the picture books I read to my toddler?

Man on Phone: I'm looking at the catalog on my computer and there's a DVD I want. What does it mean when the status says "unavailable"?

Woman on Phone: If the program is already full can I still register my child for it?

Frantic Woman: Has anyone turned in an iPhone?

Angry Lady With Braids: Can you tell that man to stop sneezing?

Old Lady With Hearing Problem: My friend says all of her books and CDs come to her house and she never has to come to the library. How can I sign up for that?

Buff Dad With Woman's Voice: Why are the magic books for adults not checked in?

Creepy Guy Who Has Been Warned For Looking at Porn: I want more time on internet station #4.

Little Girl With No Adult Supervision: Show me the books!

We had over 2,000 people come through the library in eleven hours. Today has only been slightly quieter.

Ima bout to go ape poopy up in here

With each season we change the desktop pictures on our reference desk stations. This picture is the background for one of the ref desk computers nows:

Today I had to explain to a coworker (one who often likes to change the desktop photo to something weird (not weird cool either, weird like wha???)) that this photo of an adorable baby duck was the only thing keeping me from murdering everyone in the building. Then he walked away.

Yeah, that just happened

Saturdays at the library are always a treasure. Here are some jewels from today:

An elderly woman called and wanted to put a specific book on hold. It was hard to hear her and she was definitely distracted. When I asked for her library card number she told me I had to hold on because she had to dig through her purse...which was difficult because she was driving. Yes, she was driving, talking on her cell phone, and going through her purse all at once. When she gave me her card number I saw that her birth date was from 1937. So she was 74, driving completely distracted, oh and did I mention it was pouring rain all day today and we had at least two tornado watch alerts?

I put a copy of the Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1, on hold for a man, he asked me who the narrator was and asked, "It's not Mark Twain, is it?" Seriously? I laughed for a second until I realized he was serious and I had to turn it into a cough. Before walking away he said, "I don't know, sometimes the authors read their own books." Seriously.

Twenty minutes before closing a woman wanted me to help her find books for a research paper. Her topic was more suited for an academic library (why or why do college students not use their school libraries?!) but I actually found two books. She didn't have a library card so I gave her an application. When she handed it back I was a little disturbed by the bubbliness of her handwriting, almost as if a 14-year-old cheerleader had filled it out. She even dotted the two i's in her name with bubble hearts -- no lie! This might have been cute had she been a teenager or maybe even passable for someone in their 20's. She was 52.

Newsflash: Librarians have the power to change the internet because you want them to

Today has been a weird day for service requests. It all started this morning when an elderly lady pointed at me and said her computer wasn't "acting right." I followed her over to take a look - she was trying to fill out a job application online and a red text box had popped up saying she had attempted to login incorrectly too many times and was now locked out. In big read letters it said "Please see your administrator."

Me: Oh, looks like you will either have to email the company or go in person and have one of the employees there help you.
Old Lady Who Likes to Point: See? Make it work. *wild finger jabbing at the screen*
Me: Unfortunately, I do not have the power to go into this website and reset your password or change your login. You will have to contact X store.
OLWLP: *points at me* Isn't this you? Make it work.
Me: No, I am not the administrator for this website, I am unable to reset your login. You'll need to contact them.
OLWLP: It was working yesterday, make it work again. *more frantic pointing*
Me: *sigh*

Around lunchtime I was approached by a middle-aged woman, clutching a notebook to her chest. She announced that she was looking for a journal at the library and didn't know where to locate it. I asked her what journal it was.

Back to School Lady: It's the International Journal of Nautical Archaeology, from 2010, volume--
Me: *interrupting her* -I'm sorry ma'am, this is a public library and we only subscribe to a few journals and that definitely isn't one of them.
BSL: I'm willing to take microfiche if you don't have it in print.
Me: We don't have it period and this library does not have microfiche readers either.
BSL: Could you check?
Me: *does a check for her benefit* Nope, not even close.
BSL: *leaning in close to the desk and slightly in my personal space* Maybe I'm not making it clear. I can see the article abstract at home on the internet, but when I'm searching here at the library on my laptop the full article won't open. I still only get the abstract.
Me: *goes to journal's website* Yes, see they want you to buy a subscription to view this article and that's something we don't have.
BSL: B-b-but you're the library!
Me: Yes, but we're a public library with a limited budget and that is not one of the journals we subscribe to.
BSL: You should be able to get it to come up, this is the library! The library's internet should have it!

Here I restate the obvious, but offer her the possibility that we may be able to get the article for her through an interlibrary loan, but when I tell her she won't be getting it today she stomps off.

Then an elderly gentleman approaches the desk.
Old Man Who Knows How the Internet Works: I'm looking for a magazine, it was Newsweek...unless it was Time. Anyway, I was reading it last week while I was here and now it's gone and I need to get that article.
Me: Sure, do you recall what issue it was? Or who wrote the article? What the article was about?
OMWKHIW: *thinks and shakes his head* No, no. The only thing I remember was that it was last week. And it was about money.
Me: Last week's issue?
OMWKHIW: No, I was reading it last week...but it could've been two or three weeks ago...Anyway, there's a hand on the cover of the magazine. It's like pointing or giving thumbs up or something.

I spend the next ten minutes trying to search for his mystery magazine. Old Man Who Knows How the Internet Works seemed to have a problem staying seated, he kept jumping up and leaning over the counter trying to twist my screen so that he could view it. I kept saying, "Sir, the database I'm searching in has no pictures...sir, I can't see the results if you do that" to which he would reply, "Find the hand!" I even went to both magazines websites and amazingly enough Time did have a feature to search covers but none matched. I did a search for articles on money in Newsweek , which of course brought up a hundred things that were not it.

Me: I'm sorry sir, it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to locate that article right now. Maybe if you go home and think about it you'll recall which issue it was or who wrote it.
OMWKHIW: It was some foreigner. Or someone with a funny sounding name. *thoughtful chin stroking* Can you search Newsweek for articles about money?
Me: Sir, we just did that search and none of the articles matched the one you were looking for.
OMWKHIW: But I want this article today. *he twisted the monitor back around so he could see it, then taps the screen* You tell the computer to search for a picture of a hand and it will find it! I know how the internet works!

Oh, I had a picture of a hand for him alright, and it was flipping the bird. What more might the day have in store for me?!

Overheard at the library tonight...

Little girl and mom are walking by the reference desk.

The little girl is clutching a book to her chest and trying to match her stride with her mother's. "Mom, do you like Magic Treehouse books?"

The mom pauses, as if seriously considering the question, "No, dear."

The little girl stops walking and puts her hand on her hip, "Well I do."

What the?

A boy of about 11 or 12 approaches the reference desk and informs me that the copier* is out of paper. This surprises me because our pages are usually good about refilling the paper every morning.

Me: It says it's out of paper?
Boy: Yes.

I walk over to the copier with him and there is nothing indicating that the copier is out of paper, but there is apparently a paper jam. I try to open the drawer to take a look but it is oddly stuck.

Boy: What are you doing?
Me: I want to check on the paper and see if anything is jammed.
Boy: That's not where the paper goes.
Me: Huh?
Boy: That's not where the paper goes. It goes in here (he wildly points at the exit tray).
Me: No, that's where it will come out.
Boy: No, that's where it goes in.

Though I'm totally wtf I decide to let it drop in favor of getting into a ridiculous argument with a child about the mechanical workings of a photocopying machine. Instead, I sit on the floor, pulling on the drawer flap trying to force it open but it won't budge. Because the copier will also pull paper from drawer number two, I decide to give that one a try. It slides right open...to reveal that it is filled with Pokémon cards.

Me: ???
Boy: Oh, those are mine (he reaches forward and starts collecting them).
Me: Why are they in the paper drawer?
Boy: I wanted to make copies of them.
Me: To make copies of them you put them on the GLASS (I stand up and open the copier lid to demonstrate proper copier use).
Boy: Oh.
Me: Did you fill the other paper drawer with cards?
Boy: Yes.
Me: *sigh*

About ten minutes later we have removed at least all of the Pokémon cards I could find and the copier seems clear of jams and in good working order. I walk back over to the reference desk and fill my coworker in on what I've been doing. After sharing my little story she says, "Don't turn around, but he's opening the paper drawers again."

*Public copiers are like kryptonite to a public librarian. During my two years of graduate study, we never once went over the intricacies of a xerography machine, much less one given to erratic behavior. However, it has become clear that one does in fact need the MLIS in order to do such tasks as refilling paper, removing stapled copies from the jammed autocopier, changing the toner cartridge, putting my delicate little fingers between metal objects that warn of third degree burns, and performing rudimentary repairs -- because this is what I spend at least 15% of my day doing in this master's degree required job. Whenever the copier really dies (or some asshat puts too many Canadian coins and paperclips in the money slot), I am full of glee as I place the "Out of Order" sign on that baby.

Do your own homework

Teen girl of about 16 or 17 approaches the reference desk.
Lazy Teen Girl: I've got a report to do, I need some information on Shakespeare.
Me: Did you do a search in the card catalog yet?
LTG: No.
Me: What type of information are you looking for?
LTG: (shifts weight and looks at the ceiling) Ohhh, like what made him important. My teacher said the report is on why Shakespeare was such a big influence and why he was...important. Can you tell me where the books would be about like other authors explaining why he was important?
Me: You mean like literary criticism or a historical perspective?
LTG: Yeah that.
Me: (searches) There's one book and its description sounds like it would fit your topic, the only problem is that it's located in another library. I can put in a request for you, but with Monday's holiday it's probably not going to get here until Tuesday or Wednesday. When is your report due?
LTG: (appears to be thinking) Sometime at the end of next week.
Me: You want me to put it on hold for you?
LTG: No. Are there any books filled with essays on why Shakespeare is important at this library?

I write down some call numbers for literary criticism and explain to her that our databases are also useful for her project and send her on her way. A few minutes later she returns, this time with who I assume is her mother.

Lazy Teen Girl's Mom: My daughter has a report due on Tuesday and needs some information right now. Where are the books that have examples of old student reports on Shakespeare? Or magazine reports on him too.

One painfully drawn out reference transaction later, where neither side is really satisfied, my coworker leans her chair into me and whispers, "It's a good thing her mom will be going with her to college."

"Who are Pultizer winning authors, Alex?"

A mom (I'm assuming she's a mom (someone's mom), she had mom jeans and that hideous Kate Gosselin style haircut) in her mid to late 40's approached the reference desk looking for a new book to read.

Suburban Mom: Where are the best sellers? I want something on the best seller list.
Me: Anything on the current best seller list is going to be checked out but I can put you on a wait list.
SM: Yeah, reserve me something then.
Me: Who do you like to read? What types of books to you enjoy? Fiction, non-fiction, romance, thriller…?
SM: Oh, I'll take anything.
Me: Ok...
SM: As long as it's good.
Me: Ok...
SM: And it's not depressing.
Me: Alright, so you want something on the current best seller list that's good and not depressing?
SM: Yes. Oh, and it should be about women or girl stuff, you know.

Side note -- just as a librarian has not read every book in the library, we are not mind readers either. Readers' advisory can be a great way to connect a reader with a book, but the more information we have to work with makes our job easier and the possibility of getting a book you actually want to read is higher.

Me: (looks up some stuff, reads her off titles that she rejects one by one)
SM: (face suddenly lights up) You know who's supposed to be a really good author?
Me: Who?
SM: Lauren Conrad.
Me: Lauren Conrad? (surprisingly repeated without a hint of sarcasm)
SM: Yeah, you know, from "The Hills." I heard she's a pretty good writer, why don't you request me her latest book.
Me: Ok...
SM: You know who else recently wrote a book? That Nicole Richie. I hear she's pretty good too, why don't you get me her book too.
Me: Alright.
SM: And that Paris Hilton, what about her? Does she have a new book out?
Me: (searches) I don't think so, I believe her last book was Confessions of an Heiress, which came out about five years ago.
SM: Get that for me too, I can't remember if I read it or not. Isn't it great when a celebrity can actually put two words together and write something worth reading?
Me: (desperately fights urge to cough "ghost writer" or "crap"). Yeah, it's...something.
SM: But I'll never read that book by that Snooki. That girl is not so smart and she's hardly a role model. She doesn't deserve to be on the best seller's list.
Me: ???

I imagine the thrill of being on the New York Times Best Seller is deflated for any author who’s achieved the title and is on the same list as any of these reality TV stars.

The 1040 instructions arrive and it's like Christmas morning

Holy effballs! Today we got our delivery of twelve boxes of 1040 instructions that the public has been requesting. Everyday. At least once an hour. Even though I made two signs about their delayed delivery and had to explain to at least three patrons that 1040 A instruction booklet was not the same just because they wanted it to be.

Let the tax form shit storm begin!

Patrons attempt to set redundant question record

So yesterday we got saddled with a little bit of snow. Actually, it was about 6"-10" of snow which is considered blizzard worthy by most locals, but the problem was that for whatever reason no one was prepared for it even though all the weathermen were saying "heavy snowfall expected to start around 3pm." Our library remained open even when the staff to patron ratio doubled and the federal government announced it's early closing. Yup, that's right, my little library is considered more essential than the federal government. We were then scheduled to close at 5:30, which meant nothing to me because that's when I got off and I didn't want to use my vacation hours to go home early. That was until one of my coworkers who had left at 3pm called to say in the hour she had been on the road she had just approached a major highway that was maybe five minutes away. I left immediately.
Through the power of my Magic Phone I am able to document my surroundings while navigating through the mighty thunder snow storm.

My new place is roughly about five minutes away but it took me 45 minutes to get home yesterday. I feel very fortunate though because my mom who works maybe 25 minutes away from her home the next town over was on the road for six hours and my brother's girlfriend who lives in the same apartment building as me and works for the federal government didn't get home until after midnight. These are reasons why I was very annoyed this morning to wake up and discover I was expected to be at work...on time. However, once I got out of my neighborhood that was still not plowed, I could see that most of the roads were fairly clear for driving and I made it into work about half an hour before opening.

Last week when we experienced a dusting, we kept a tally sheet by the phone at the reference desk to mark off how many times patrons called to see if we were open. This is a ridiculous time wasting question because when a patron calls the library, one of the first things they are greeted with on the recording is a message that informs them if we are opened or closed. When we are closed we record a new greeting for that day that says, "Thank you for calling suburban library. Today is (insert date), due to (inclimate weather, a power outage, bear attack, etc.) the library is closed." The rest of the year the message says, "Thank you for calling suburban library. THE LIBRARY IS NOW OPEN." So anyone who is calling to see if we are open has just sat through the recording that told them that exact information.

"Hi, I was wondering if you were open today?"

Yes we are open. Do I sound like a robot or a recording? Do you think I live here and answer the phone when the library is closed for kicks? Doesn't the fact that another human being is picking up clue you in to the fact that the library is open?!

"I'm checking to see if you're open? And is the internet working?"

We are open and the snow has not effected the interweb so you can drive your SUV or slosh over in your boots in order to troll on Facebook or play that mafia game.

"Are you open? Do you think you will be closing anytime in the next hour or so?"

We're open and would if I could close the library at noon for no good reason other than it snowed yesterday, but I can't so I shant.

So far our tally is up to 27. We were taking bets this morning and I now wish I would have wagered higher.

Readers advisory for the difficult

Today a guy in a gas station attendant's uniform wanted me to help him find a book he read and really enjoyed 15 years ago from another library. He could not remember the title or author, but that the book was about "a wealthy man who has a mistress and wants to get rid of his wife. She has this huge garden and puts a lion in it. When she finds out of his plans to murder her she decides not to feed the lion for a few days and the lion eats the husband while the wife has a tea party. How long do you think it will take you to find it? Should I wait here or come back in a few minutes?"

I took his information down and told him he could go home as I would contact him when I found it, but after an hour searching a couple databases and posting the plot description to some book websites I still have nothing.

Later, I watched as a shrunken elderly man took about 10 years to approach the reference desk. He pulled out the chair and eased down, never a sign that it will be a quick transaction.

Old Man River: I’m looking for a book on Hilary Clinton.
Me: Do you know the title?
OMR: Hilary Clinton, she wrote it.
Me: I believe she's written a few, do you know which one you're interested in?
OMR: It's the one Hilary Clinton wrote.
Me: (I imagine I have one of those cartoon scribble clouds appearing above my head) Let me take a look in the catalog.
OMR: It is copyright 2003, I think.
Me: Is it Living History?
OMR: Hilary Clinton. I want the one by Hilary Clinton.
Me: Yes, this is by Hilary Clinton. If this is the title you're looking for we have a copy, but it's at another library.
OMR: Only one copy?
Me: Only one checked in, but it’s at another library.
OMR: Not here?
Me: No, not here.
OMR: Hilary Clinton?
Me: If it's Living History you want it's not here, but I can request it for you to be sent here.
OMR: What about Bill Clinton?
Me: (does a search) We have two of his titles but neither is currently checked in.
OMR: No Bill Clinton?
Me: Not right now, but I can put it on hold, would you like me to put it on hold?
OMR: No Hilary Clinton?
Me: Not checked in at his library, no.
OMR: Do you have George Bush?